Clean Slate

A new year doesn't always elicit enthusiasm.

I started 2018 feeling deeply unhappy and worn out. I was walloped by post-holiday blues, literally sick (with a weekend-long flu and cold after cold) throughout January, struggling through an endlessly snowy and bitterly cold winter, and subsequently unexcited about what the rest of the year might offer.

Along the way, during the one winter weekend in February when I made plans to see a live show in my nearest city, I was snowed in overnight (for the second time that brutal winter) at a hotel without a change of clothes and a toothbrush and comb. The moral of that story, I believed, was to simply stay home (or, don't make nonrefundable plans without an overnight bag).

My latest, potentially last-ditch attempt at dating had fizzled out completely and I'd reached a crossroads. I started the new year consulting psychics (I no longer trusted my own judgment) as I contemplated giving up (maybe forever) on dating or gearing up for another round. The two women I spoke with gave me different but not necessarily contradictory answers: one said I would meet the love of my life that spring; the second said I was emotionally blocked (which I knew to be true) and needed to let go of a long-dead past relationship before I could find love again.

Using their words as motivation, I stopped looking for someone else and started looking deeply within myself. As Dr. Amp advised on Twin Peaks: The Return, I needed to grab my golden shovel (only $29.99 + S&H!) and "shovel [my] way out of the shit."

I spent the second half of the year doing just that, prioritizing all aspects of my health, with surprising results. Rather than taking on a second job, as I'd previously done, I opted for a relaxing summer, devoting my free time to writing gut-wrenching, tear-stained autobiographical essays that reshaped how I perceived that aforementioned unhealthy past relationship and brought me the cathartic closure I didn't know I needed. I also committed to eating less (after several months of consistent overeating) and becoming more active, buying a fitness tracker, losing 12 pounds, and gaining improved self-confidence by fall. To quote life coach Iyanla Vanzant's mantra, "I did my work" and was rewarded by the results.

Then that fall, when I wasn't looking and wasn't interested, a coworker introduced me to her ex, claiming we were perfect for each other. Um, yeah, no...But to my unceasing amazement, in an offbeat way, we kind of are. Fortunately, he was more willing to reach out, and I reluctantly responded to his message, then to his invitation to meet in person, and all subsequent messages and meetings. I stopped saying "never again" and approached dating with a "maybe this time" mindset.

I opened my mind and eventually my heart to an unlikely outcome and realized that all the planning, wishing, and psychic readings in the world can't determine matters of the heart. Those things only happen when you're ready for them, not when you want them. Working on myself made me attract the person I (didn't know I) wanted, and letting go of what I thought I wanted brought me what I needed. Life is ironic that way.

I started 2019 feeling happy, healthy, and unfailingly grateful for everything, including 2018's painful but valuable lessons. The second psychic I consulted last year told me nothing good would come from holding on to the past and I had to let go and hurt to heal, which unknowingly became my motivation to change and set the rest of the year's events in motion.

Although I don't know what this year holds for me (and I haven't sought psychic guidance for a supernatural glimpse), I'm at peace with uncertainty. It feels like a fresh start, the fruit of last year's hard labor.