Cloud 9

So I've been hanging out up on proverbial cloud 9 since Saturday morning. Why? My swimming lesson, probably my best ever, went so well that I left the YMCA locker room feeling more pumped up than drained (my usual post-swimming status), a sensation so powerful that not even all-day rain, all-day laundry, and a massive clothing clean-out could dampen my spirit.

Despite promising the dreaded breastroke the previous Saturday, Nancy threw me a kinder curveball, inflicting the far-preferable backstroke upon me. Two months ago I was convinced I'd drown if I tried to float on my back, before countless failed (and flailed) attempts to relax long enough and deeply enough to float backwards finally paid off this past Saturday when I at long last assumed the correct position and floated from the shallow end to the deep end without assistance. Once backwards floating becomes doable, the backstroke is the next natural progression, I discovered. If you can float on your back, you can backstroke. 

Not me, but hopefully my backstroke will someday look like this. (Courtesy of www.videojug.com)

I still have a long way to go before my backstroke is as smooth, graceful, and effortless as Nancy's (her imitation of my arm movements was both spastic and hilarious!), but I can't ignore how far I've come since I started two months ago. Despite my perfectionism, I've learned that sometimes the victory is in doing, whether it's done well or not. Just taking that first shaky step is the accomplishment, while the mastery is merely icing on the cake. 

I'm usually so hard on myself, so impatient and critical, that I overlook the small steps that start the process. But with swimming, every baby step is something for me to celebrate. After all, eight weeks ago I was terrified to put my face in the water, let alone my entire head, and blow a single, miniscule bubble, convinced that I'd drown if I did. After my third lesson, I left the pool feeling dejected, and seriously wondered if I was wasting my time and money by continuing. I could have quit, but I came back stronger and more determined to swim, and immediately started improving.

Maybe my late start in swimming will inspire someone my age (or older) to take swimming lessons or try something else that they've always wanted to do but feared. I hope so. But regardless, I know I've inspired myself.

Just Keep Swimming...

So there's good news and bad news on the swimming front...

My basic swimming skills are improving (the good news), so my wonderful but insane personal trainer/instructor is pushing me harder, faster, and further than I feel comfortable going (the not-so-good news). 

(But, then again, if I was primarily concerned with my comfort level, I, the quintessential aquaphobe, wouldn't be in a YMCA pool, or any pool, every Saturday morning at 8 AM.) 

To my utter terror, that means venturing into the deep end, beyond the orange cone that represents to me some measure of water safety. (Though I suppose progressing from the shallow end to the deep end of the pool is a small victory in its own right, I'm not sure I'm "ready" for it.) She might hold on to me at first, allowing me to catch (and hold) my breath, but then she'll (sometimes literally) give me a push and I'm on my own, frantically windmilling my arms and kicking as if my life depends on it (which, in the deep end, I feel it more or less does).

I would feel so much safer staying in the shallow end...forever...but I suppose that's a good metaphor for life, which, unfortunately, doesn't allow us to stay in the shallower, safer end for long.

And the challenges within this massive swimming quest keep coming. Last Saturday, instead of a buoy, my instructor fitted me with a pair of swim fins (an upgrade, I suppose?)...very heavy, very awkward swim fins. Though they did help me maintain a stronger kick and stay upright during my many floating attempts, I blame them for the nasty leg cramp, which started in my right foot and quickly crept up to my calf, that nearly disabled me as I made my valiant "one more and then we can go home" sprint to the end of the pool.

Besides being a catchphrase from the film "Finding Nemo" (pictured above), I think "just keep swimming" may be the answer to all of my aquatic issues. 

Next Saturday, I've already been warned, I will face a new fearsome foe: the breastroke (which, I fear, might give me a stroke)! I'm afraid...very afraid, but determined to keep swimming.

Footloose and Childfree

This past weekend, while waiting for the final portion of my annual eye exam, my dilated eyes quickly absorbed TIME magazine's August 12 cover-story article by Lauren Sandler, "The Childfree Life." (Here's a preview.) The well-written piece spoke to me, echoing many of my thoughts on the subject, stating them more clearly, factually, and eloquently than I probably could.

It's one of my hot-button issues. I ask myself at least once a week (probably more often) if there's something wrong with me, if I'm horribly self-absorbed or emotionally damaged in some way, for not wanting to ever give birth to a child. 

The truth is I like my life the way it is. Like some of the women profiled in the article, I love my freedom...the freedom to get in my car and go wherever I want to go, to come home to a quiet sanctuary, to live on my own schedule, and to focus on my needs instead of someone else's.

The irony, as the article points out, is that women like me are questioned because of our attitude and/or decision, unlike women who choose to have children (or don't but want them). No one asks a parent why they want to have a child, though everyone wonders what's wrong with someone who doesn't. Personally, I think some women feel it's expected of them, part of their role as a female, even now in the 21st century, to be a wife and mother, serving others while sacrificing themselves. Do they question themselves the way I question myself? 

For some reason, it's far more socially acceptable for women (who are moms) to complain about how difficult and demanding childrearing is than for women (who aren't) to politely decline motherhood (for whatever reason). Why is that? And could it be that some of us are learning from their cautionary tales? Why have a child and spend the next 20+ years lamenting your stretchmarks, loose skin, lack of personal time, lost opportunities, and sacrifices instead of more likely having the body you want to have, enjoying free time, and fulfilling your creative potential?

Even when women (celebrities and nobodies) have (what I see as) valid reasons for being childfree, they're flamed. Look at Jillian Michaels (my hero, if I haven't previously mentioned it...which I know I have...at least twice) whose offhand comments to a Women's Health interviewer made her the target of too many mom blogs back in 2010, before she became a mom to two kids, neither of whom she gave birth to. (Here's a link that references the controversy with her revised comments included.) And then there's comedienne Sarah Silverman, who has said (link here) she will not have a biological child because she refuses to pass along the mental-health issues (namely depression) that have plagued her. 

And that's selfish?! 

I don't get it. In my eyes, it's far more selfish to have a child you cannot (or will not) adequately raise than to recognize your limitations and honor them.

It's a no-brainer for me, but then I'm one of those self-absorbed childfree types, so take my opinion for what it's worth.

Shift (Among Other Things) Happens!

Months ago, during my winterlong addiction to all things PBS, I had the joy of watching Dr. Robert Holden's televised presentation of "Shift Happens!" (also the title and content of one of his books), which eloquently echoed several other programs and books that I read at that time.

Dr. Holden is part of the newish crop of positive-psychology gurus that are popping up in bookstores and on television screens everywhere, and his message is refreshing: "The more you accept yourself, the more every area of your life improves."

Dr. Robert Holden, courtesy of PBS.org

 He's all about self-acceptance, and his path to that goal consists of asking yourself the following questions:

1. "Are you willing to accept that there is more to you than your self-image?" (self-image being the "you" that you present to the world versus real self, which is the 24/7 "you")
2. "Can you accept that there is nothing wrong with you?" (I'm working on this one every day...)
3. "Can you accept that you are what you seek?" (I'm learning this.)
4. "Can you accept that if you stopped trying to improve yourself and practiced self-acceptance, your life would improve?" (Ah, this one is tricky!)
5. "Can you accept the possibility that if you think something is missing in your life, it is you?" (Yes.)

The key to happiness and increased self-esteem is self-acceptance, according to Dr. Holden. You hold that power within you, he's saying, and only you can make it happen. 

Here's a link to Dr. Robert Holden's presentation of "Shift Happens!"

I'm still working on processing and implementing these concepts, and I'll probably continue working on them for the rest of my life, but I know I'm closer than I was a few years ago, or even a few months ago. I've learned there's a domino effect either way: If you think negatively of yourself, you'll make unhealthy decisions and feel badly about yourself. If you practice positive thinking, you'll have increased self-esteem, make healthy decisions, and treat yourself lovingly and kindly. 

And once you start the pattern of positive living begins, it continues....

*You start to take care of yourself in big and little ways.

*You treat yourself to luxuries instead of only necessities.

*You recognize that you are worth your time and effort.

*You know that you deserve to be treated kindly, respectfully, and lovingly.

Growing in this knowledge is one of my primary goals. I want to work on accepting myself as I am. I want to understand that my worth is not based on my self-image but on my true self (the self that I don't always show to the world). I want to accept that there is nothing wrong with me. 

I want to realize that I don't need to change myself, as Dr. Holden asserts, I need to change my mind about myself.