Mean Girls Part 2

Dear Fit-Pride Fat-Shamers & Fat-Pride Fit-Shamers,

You're doing it wrong.

Really.

But maybe I shouldn't say that, because I don't want to be accused of cyberbullying or, God forbid, shaming anyone. Anywhere. Ever. There's been more than enough of that lately. (Here's one recent Time article, for starters.)

Seriously, though, I've read and heard far too much from both of the aforementioned camps on Facebook, blogs, and news sites during the past few weeks, so I'd like to weigh in (sorry, I just had to) with yet more unnecessary, unasked for statements on topics that have gotten too much media attention, and ask for a hopeful resolution to this issue. 

Are these selfies motivating...or something else?

Approximately two and a half years ago, I started changing my life by changing my health. As I've previously written, I slowly, painfully, steadily morphed myself from a sedentary junk-food addict into a healthier, happier, fitter version of myself by making small, incremental changes. 

Why? I wanted to change. I wasn't motivated by someone telling me I needed to lose weight or work out seven days a week, nor would I have been. I wanted to look and feel better. That was my motivation. 

Along that journey, I found inspiration from others who had taken a similar path, most notably, one of my personal heroes, Jillian Michaels, whose workout DVDs transformed my body and inspired me to transform my health, while on Facebook, I "like"d several fitness-focused sites (including one of the worst offenders, the above article's author, the controversial, attention-seeking Maria Kang, who seems to be angling for a reality-TV show, in my opinion, or trying to become the next Tracy Anderson) that post daily motivational images and writings to inspire people like me to conquer yet another killer workout and not fall off the healthy-eating wagon

But, as I said, the choice was mine. The problem I have with some of these fitness gurus' approaches is that they're attacking people who haven't made the choice (for whatever reason) to live the way they've chosen to live.That's where the shaming comes in. Also, it can't (or shouldn't) be ignored that some of these fitness gurus are, arguably, as unhealthy (with obsessive exercise and disordered eating) or unhealthier than the targets of their posts (who may do moderate exercise and have healthy eating habits, for all they know).

Yes, maybe some of those people are unhealthy. Maybe some of them are unhappy with their lives. I don't know. What I do know is I have neither the right nor the obligation to change them. In fact, I have multiple family members who are suffering from weight-related health issues. Does it tear me apart knowing they could reduce or possibly reverse their issues with healthy eating and regular exercise? Yes, every single day. But what can I do? If they ask me, I'll tell them, but trying to force my lifestyle on them will do more harm than good, I believe. 

It's the same for religion, politics, and addiction. If people want to change, they'll listen to your message and use it as motivation. If they don't, they'll tune you out (at best) or rebel against the messenger (at worst). And then you've done more harm than good. 

That's my concern with these one-size-fits-all (literally, in this case) and my-way-is-the-only-way fitness zealots. Their message of 'If I can do this, you can (and should), too' would be the equivalent of Michael Phelps saying that any swimmer could match his incredible Olympic feats or a Harvard student with a 4.0 GPA saying that any student can achieve those scholastic accomplishments. These people are extreme. They're dedicated and they're disciplined. They're willing to make necessary sacrifices to have those accomplishments. Not everyone is, and that lack of drive and dedication doesn't make someone lazy or not as good as someone who's more driven. It makes them human.

So, how about we all just get along? Is that too simplistic? How about learning to love ourselves as we are, whether we're at our desired health level/weight (I don't believe these are the same thing, FWIW) or not, and extending some of that love into compassion for others as they are, whether they're at their desired health level/weight or not. Stop making assumptions about other people's health based on their physical appearance. 

If you want to focus on someone's health, focus on your own, and let the other person worry about theirs. If they want to be healthier, the decision is theirs to make. It can't be forced or shamed upon them. Or it shouldn't, anyway. 

And no, fitness "experts," you can't tell if someone is healthy or unhealthy just by looking at them. Some thin women are healthy and fit and some are unhealthy. It's the same for women who aren't thin (or considered thin by this increasingly judgmental world of haters in which we live). Let's stop deciding people are "too fat" or "too thin" based on our own skewed perceptions of their physical appearance.

I'm becoming increasingly intolerant of intolerance. That, to me, is the root of bullying. It's the belief that my way is the right way and your way, if it's different from mine, is wrong.

Yes, obesity is a problem. Yes, I believe fitness is one of the answers to that problem, but my point (if I have one) is that there's a right way and a wrong way to tackle that problem. And shaming and bullying in the form of gratuitous "look at how fit and dedicated I am" selfies and "there's no excuse for being fat" posts are not the right way.