I'm Not a Freak...I'm an Introvert!

 "Whoever you are, bear in mind that appearance is not reality. Some people act like extroverts, but the effort costs them in energy, authenticity, and even physical health. Others seem aloof and self-contained, but their inner landscapes are rich and full of drama. So the next time you see a person with a composed face and a soft voice, remember that inside her mind she might be solving an equation, composing a sonnet, designing a hat. She might, that is, be deploying the powers of quiet." ~ Susan Cain

As a lifelong word nerd, I've read a lot of books, ranging from classic fiction to Hollywood memoirs and dabbling in just about everything in between. Some, obviously, have been more memorable and worthwhile than others. Few, if any, though, have been as profound and potentially life-changing for me as Susan Cain's 2012 bestseller Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking.

Quiet should be required reading for all introverts (to understand yourself) and extroverts (to understand your introverted friends, family members, partner(s), and coworkers) because, let's face it, you're either primarily one or the other (although many introverts sadly but sometimes necessarily try to hide their introversion beneath an extroverted facade, as Cain discusses), and understanding and getting along with someone who behaves differently from you can be very challenging.

Cain includes fascinating anecdotes about famous introverts, such as Rosa Parks, Dale Carnegie, Steve Wozniak, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Warren Buffett, to prove one of her book's main points that introverts can use their innate abilities and traits (their "quiet strength") to be successful in business and in life without mimicking extroverts and compromising who they are. In fact, the patience, sensitivity, steadfast determination, and tendency to think before speaking and acting that's characteristic of them can make introverts more successful than extroverts in negotiations, stock-market investments, and leadership roles, as just a few of Cain's powerful anecdotes suggest.

Unfortunately, too many introverts have not gotten the message that they're fine and actually perfectly normal (approximately one-third to one-half of the population is introverted, according to Cain's research) exactly as they are. Instead they grow up feeling that there's something wrong with them because they don't enjoy group work (which has become increasingly widespread in American schools from elementary grades to college and in work places), parties, and the social prestige of their extroverted peers. Sadly, some parents, teachers, and classmates reinforce the negative perception of introversion by trying to force the introvert out of his or her "shell," supposedly for his or her own benefit. (Cain wisely devotes the book's final chapter to advice for parents who are raising introverts.)

For me, I wish this book, which Cain wrote to offer "a newfound sense of entitlement to be yourself" existed 20 years ago, and that I had read it then. As a shy, hardcore introvert (I'm definitely both, although the two traits don't always coexist), growing up in a seemingly extrovert-dominated world, school was brutal. I can't tell you how many times I've been labeled a "freak," "antisocial," "too quiet," "unfriendly," "stuck-up," and, of course, my favorite, a turtle who needs to come out of my shell. I've been told, throughout my life, as a child and adult, that I need to talk more, go out more, socialize more, and expand my horizons. The message I received at an early age was that being shy and quiet was not okay and who I was wasn't good enough.

That's why I'm so appreciative of Cain's book, and for the growing acceptance of introversion as a personality trait (either inborn or learned, the jury's hung) rather than a character defect. Cain provides permission to let your inner introvert come out to play:

"Spend your free time the way you like, not the way you think you're supposed to."

I'm learning to accept and like who I am, no apologies required, although I, like probably all introverts, occasionally need to stretch beyond my introverted confines to be successful at work and improve interpersonal relationships. That's okay, Cain points out, because my peaceful sanctuary and its books will be there waiting for me when it's time to retreat to my comfortable introverted oasis.