Congratulations

I've never really felt comfortable receiving attention, good or bad. 

I'm not good at accepting compliments, recognition, or awards of any kind. Chalk it up to being a shy, often insecure introvert, or being bullied throughout my school days, or growing up the youngest of three (as both "the good one" (guaranteed neglect...ha ha) and "the quiet one"), or being relationally challenged, or all of the above, but the result is I'm not used to being noticed...by anyone...ever (and in the case of bullies, I certainly didn't want to be noticed). So when, or if, I am, I don't know how to respond (beyond blushing, stammering, rambling, responding with self-deprecating jokes, and just generally making myself and the other person uncomfortable).

I hate to admit it, but I think I've become more comfortable with rejection than recognition, more accustomed to insults than compliments, and more used to being ignored than acknowledged. That's what I've come to expect, so I've gradually started viewing attention, positive or negative, as something to be avoided at all costs, because I put a negative spin on it regardless of how well intentioned it might be. If someone compliments me, I (at least inwardly) question their judgment and their motives, although I've learned (through the benefit of counseling) to simply smile and say thank you. And God forbid any man should ever ask me out (as I said, I'm more comfortable with rejection than appreciation)...

All of this has been running through my mind during the past few weeks for a very specific reason: I was awarded employee of the month at my workplace. It's an honor I certainly never expected to receive (for all the reasons listed above), although even I can't deny that I work hard and will bend over backward and forward to help a student or coworker. By nature, though, my service-type job lends itself to anonymity, allowing me to hide behind the bigger, louder, flashier, award-winning personalities of my colleagues. An occasional quiet pat on the back or thank you is more than enough for me. Anything more makes me uncomfortable. 

That's why word spread slowly. After receiving my official commendatory letter earlier this month, I told only a few people close to me, opting not to announce it on social media (until now). Despite my reticence, my supervisor, who nominated me, informed everyone in my department. Then the president's secretary told everyone outside my department via an announcement in her emailed monthly newsletter. (The press release and accompanying photo still have yet to be released...God help me.)

As a result, I've been showered in congratulatory messages and undeniable kindness and generosity from fellow employees, some of whom I work with every day and some whom I barely know. It's much more attention than I'm used to receiving, and in spite of my discomfort at being noticed, I'm learning to accept and maybe even enjoy the attention a bit. (I guess I should; the pessimist in me thinks I might not be noticed again like this for a long time to come...)

So I'm learning that attention isn't always negative (unless I make it so). Ironically, I've also acquired a deeper appreciation for my job, my workplace, and my colleagues since being named employee of the month. Too often I've focused my attention on the antics of workplace bullies (It Never Ends...), discounting the greater number of wonderful coworkers who offer personal and professional support and encouragement. 

I've truly been amazed by this recent outpouring of kindness. Regardless of whether it ever comes my way again, I've learned that there are many more good people around me than the other (unkind) kind. And whether I'm worthy of this award or not, I've realized that I'm worthy of the appreciation that has come with it...occasionally...in moderation.