Hardship Brings Hope

 "All that I know is I'm breathing,
All I can do is keep breathing,

 All we can do is keep breathing." 

~ Ingrid Michaelson, "Keep Breathing"

Yesterday evening I wept as I finished reading Andrew Solomon's The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression. It was partly the beautifully poignant, inspiring stories of the people (including the author) who have suffered from life-threatening depression but lived to tell their raw, aching true-life tales and partly my own recent general weepiness (another post for another time), but the two parts banded together to break my composure.

 

In the midst of my weepiness, I recognized gratitude. I recognized that I'm blessed.

I've experienced depression in my life and glimpsed it in the lives of loved ones, but the depression endured by the incredible survivors featured in this book is on a different spectrum. I'm thankful that my life and sanity are not (and have never been) dependent on a carefully-prescribed cocktail of antidepressant and antipsychotic drugs, as is the case for the author and many of his contributors. It is truly wonderful (and miraculous at times) to not feel depressed, to feel normal, not emotionally numb, and able to handle daily life, especially after living with depression (whether mild or severe) for any length of time.

In the final chapter (appropriately entitled "Hope"), Solomon concluded that his severe (at times suicidal) depression, though devastatingly painful, has made him a better person. It has made him kinder, more generous, more loving, more loved, and more appreciative of life's beauty and joy. 

That has also been my outcome. And the truth and beauty of his revelation (partly) provoked my tears. 

Nothing has made me appreciate my health more than having it threatened and then restored. And nothing has made me appreciate beauty, peace, contentment, and joy more than pulling myself from the hellish black hole of depression and discovering that life not only goes on, but  it can be richer, deeper, more vibrant, and more enjoyable than I ever imagined.

 You just have to keep breathing, keep fighting, and keep living.