It Never Ends...

I'm 30 years old, and I have a bully.

Usually when I think of bullies and bullying, I think of kids, high schoolers and middle schoolers, but the sad truth is it doesn't end when you graduate from high school. 

Did I mention that the woman who insults and ridicules me as she walks by my office at work is also in her 30s?

I don't get it. I really don't. 

The only explanation I can muster is that this woman is either:

a) horribly insecure and feels better about herself by cutting me down

or

b) a nasty, unhappy person who enjoys making other people feel awful

My vote is for both a) and b), though trying to analyze the reason doesn't make the problem go away.

I read an article on Slate.com recently about a former high-school bully who looked back shamefully on his younger self as he tried to explain to the article's author why he bullied and spread ugly, reputation-shattering rumors about some of his female classmates. According to the article, he went as far as calling these now-grown women to apologize for his actions and ask them how his bullying had affected them long term. 

The results were mixed. One of the women said the bullying had made her a stronger person, while another of his targets said she had begged her family to let her transfer to another school and had attempted suicide as an adult (although not because of the bullying).

My post-high-school experience has been a combination of those two responses. The bullying that I endured in middle school and high school has made me a stronger, more compassionate person who doesn't want to hurt others the way I've been hurt. But those hurtful, insulting words, once internalized, have wreaked untold damage. 

I've always, from a very young age, felt like an outcast. Even now, as an adult, I still feel like I never fit in, so I lose any motivation to try to make new friends or go to parties and make small talk with strangers. Even when I do fit in, my perception is that I don't.

What the author of the Slate.com article really wanted to know was why. The former bully, in an attempt to explain, said he had no idea his words and actions had caused so much pain. That wasn't his intention, he said. He merely wanted to fit in with a certain group of friends. 

And I'm sure the real answer is usually insecurity, an attempt to wield control over someone, and/or a bid for attention. But above and beyond the why is how do I (or anyone else who is bullied) deal with it? A bully is unlikely to change. And reporting this to my HR department (or teachers or principals) is not an option. (Is it ever?)

What I want most is for this person to get a life, go away, and leave me alone. Stop trying to seek my attention. Since that's not likely to happen, the next best thing is not to respond to her. Why give my attention to someone who is so desperate for it that she deliberately makes derogatory comments within my hearing range. I can choose not to give her a visible response, but the worst part is that she does get an invisible response from me. It does hurt my feelings and makes me feel bad about myself. 

Even more than that, it resurrects the trauma I felt and internalized when I was younger, a scared, shy girl who felt that she would never be accepted as she was because who she was, according to her bullies, wasn't good enough. 

The wounds heal and become less visible over time, but the scars never disappear. When I write about fear of ridicule and judgment for exposing my writing (not to mention myself), it is this trauma I think of. But I refuse to curl up within myself, to shut down emotionally and stop trying. No bully will have that power over me. Not anymore.