Placing Blame

I don't understand why Dr. Drew Pinsky and his "Celebrity Rehab" program are being blamed  for supposedly causing or contributing to the drug-related post-rehab deaths of five participating celebrities. (http://articles.washingtonpost.com/2013-02-19/entertainment/37169515_1_pinsky-mccready-apparent-suicide)

Dr. Drew has never failed to mention the high rate of relapse for long-term alcoholics and addicts. But he does his part by offering the best-imaginable rehab (luxury rehab, by all appearances), followed by a post-rehab "sober living" opportunity for additional treatment. 

Why do these celebrities choose to participate in a filmed and aired reality-TV experience? I don't know. I imagine some (if not all) are used to being followed by cameras, so having their privacy violated has become a normal, habitual occurrence. I don't know if they feel exploited.

I'll admit that, as a very private person, I have cringed on their behalf as the sordid details of their drug-fueled downfalls and their reasons for using (often childhood abuse and neglect) are revealed on air. (I can't imagine ever allowing my comparatively-boring counseling sessions to be broadcast on TV (!), for example.) This program is undeniably a product of our time. Fifteen years ago, a TV program like this was unimaginable. But the new millennium has brought an onslaught of reality TV that encourages its participants to let everything hang out for the lure of big money and fame (renewed fame, perhaps, in the case of troubled celebs like the ones on "Rehab").

The recent suicide of Mindy McCready, a country singer and 2009 participant whose frightening, grisly detox seizure was captured on camera and shown repeatedly, has brought a new wave of criticism against Dr. Drew that rises each time another participant dies. (As you can read in the article, McCready's death prompted 80s singer Richard Marx to hyperbolically compare Pinsky to Dr. Jack Kevorkian. Please excuse my eye rolling.)

True, the count of post-"Rehab" deaths has risen, but how are Dr. Drew and his program to blame? Drug addicts and alcoholics often return to their old environments and the people who inhabit them, making it very easy to fall back into old, comfortable habits. Also, they've learned from an early age, usually beginning in their teens, to use drugs and alcohol as coping mechanisms for stress and pain. The drug becomes the addict's best friend and solution to every imaginable problem. Is that Dr. Drew's fault? He gives them every tool needed to make a full recovery (even staying in touch with them post-Rehab, according to this article). If they choose not to use those tools or return to treatment when they relapse, they are culpable, not their counselor. (In fact, McCready herself praised Dr. Drew post-"Rehab," according to the article linked above, for assisting her (temporary) recovery.)

We need to make ourselves accountable for our own actions. Let's stop blaming everyone else for our weaknesses and mistakes.

That said, rest in peace, Mindy McCready. :(

Trying to Explain the Inexplicable

I remain riveted - alternately horrified and fascinated (heck, usually both simultaneously) - by the Jodi Arias murder trial, which doesn't appear to have a discernible end in sight. (Hasn't it already lasted over a month? Hasn't she been on the stand for two weeks?)

Instead of just reading about it during my downtime, I've now progressed (or regressed, depending on how you evaluate my increased interest) to watching the TV news trial recaps on HLN in the evenings.

Apparently this is the biggest murder trial since O.J. Simpson and Casey Anthony, because all the HLN heavyweights - Jane Velez-Mitchell, Nancy Grace, and Dr. Drew Pinsky (of "Celebrity Rehab," another of my guilty pleasures, fame) - spend post-trial hours weighing in on each day's events during their evening programs. Nancy Grace has taken it a step farther by diagnosing Jodi Arias as a sociopath, though I don't imagine she's clinically licensed to make such a diagnosis (she's a former prosecuting attorney, I believe). 

Regardless, the diagnosis seems to fit...and I don't see anyone disagreeing with it. (Although the folks at Websleuths.com have also speculatively diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.) It would certainly explain the manipulation, the charm, the pathological lies, the use of her body and intelligence to get what she wants, the stalking and extreme invasion of privacy of the victim prior to his murder (no regard for others' boundaries or of right and wrong). She seemed to live in her own fantasy world, seeing things through her own uniquely skewed filter. 

The most alarming, eyebrow-raising moment of yesterday's coverage for me was seeing a clip of her "48 Hours" interview, recorded shortly after the murder when she still professed innocence. She seemed to enjoy the attention of the interviewer and the camera crew. It seemed like she was starring in her own movie, giving an award-winning performance (the performance of her life, really) for the cameras. Even her explanation of why she smiled in her mug shot - "I knew it would be all over the Internet" - (you know it, Jodi: http://mugshots.com/Current-Events/jodi-arias.5573319.html) expressed gleeful awareness of the attention she would generate for herself.

You would think that murdering her ex-boyfriend, being questioned by police and TV program interviewers, and now facing a death penalty sentence on trial for her life is the greatest, most exciting thing that has ever happened to her. As if she's waited all her life for this kind of attention...

Why are so many of us so fascinated by her (and willingly giving her that attention)? I think we're fascinated when a woman commits a violent crime that's more commonly committed by a man...especially when it's a beautiful woman. And I think we're trying (futilely) to understand the non-understandable and explain the inexplicable.

We Deserve Better

Current news events like the Oscar Pistorius story (http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/15/sports/oscar-pistorius-shooting-south-africa.html?_r=0) and the Jodi Arias murder trial (see my previous post on this five-ring circus that has me riveted) have caused me to ponder why intelligent, attractive, talented women choose to get in (and stay in) toxic, dysfunctional, often abusive relationships.

I've concluded that healthy, happy, beneficial relationships are so foreign to so many of us that we don't recognize destructive relationships for what they are. We don't realize the damage until it's been done. I think a lot of us, no matter how beautiful and successful we might appear to others, are tormented by insecurities and low self-esteem. Why else would we allow ourselves to be part of relationships that cause us more harm than good (and sometimes threaten our lives)? Don't we know that we deserve better?

I'll admit that I spend waste far too much time browsing celebrity gossip sites (don't judge me!). And one thing that stands out to me time and again is how fake most celebrity relationships are. I mean, I have to wonder why, aside from publicity reasons and possible career boosting/rehabilitation, do celebrities bother to get married? It seems at least 90% feature at least one partner cheating on the other. 

So why do these beautiful, talented, successful women with names and faces that all of us know stay in relationships with men they know are cheating on them? Do the benefits (?) of being coupled with wealthy, attractive, powerful men who can't be trusted (or faithful) outweigh being alone (with dignity and self-respect intact) or perhaps in relationships with average (non-cheating) Joes?

I don't understand. I mean, I'll admit there have been times in the past when I would have chosen (and did choose) a toxic, dysfunctional relationship over no relationship at all, but I also admit that I've been crippled for most of my life by low self-esteem. I didn't know my own worth, my own value. I didn't know that my worth is based on who I am, not who I'm with. I didn't know that my value doesn't change regardless of whether I'm single or in a relationship, so why should my self-esteem change? 

The important thing is I know now.

I wish Jodi Arias had known her worth.* I wish Reeva Steenkamp had known her value. I wish the celebrities who choose to look the other way when their partners cheat, abuse, and degrade them knew they are enough on their own. I wish all women everywhere knew they deserve better.

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*One footnote on Jodi Arias: I do not believe Jodi Arias was abused by Travis Alexander and forced to kill him in self-defense. What I do believe is that the "relationship" she had with him was dysfunctional and harmful for both of them (and ultimately fatal for him). I believe she had a long history of toxic relationship patterns prior to meeting him that led her to seek out and stay in unhealthy relationships. Apart from his death, that, to me, is the saddest part of this case.

Freedom of Expression?

A recent news article caught my attention (http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/utah-teen-kicked-class-because-her-hair-color-192700681.html). To summarize, a teenage girl from Utah was suspended from school...for dyeing her hair...red. 

Really?! Seriously?!

Apparently this violates the school's dress code requiring students to have "natural" hair colors. The girl initially refused to change her hair color, with the full support of her mom, according to the article, who was quoted as saying that her daughter's hair color change from mousy brown to auburn red had boosted her confidence, making her feel pretty. But after missing a few days of classes due to this apparent code violation, the teen gave in to the pressure and washed her hair enough times to fade the color, making it acceptable for her school's standards. Ugh.

This article bothered me for a few different reasons. First of all, it hit close to home. 

As an angsty teenager struggling to find and express my fragile identity, I dyed my hair jet black at 16 and continued dyeing it for the remainder of my high school days. Although my hometown high school was (and is) extremely small and rural, this was not a problem. (Hats were banned, but hair dye, thankfully, was not.) 

But if it had been? I would have been devastated if I'd been forced to change back to my own mousy brown natural color. The black hair, admittedly in hindsight, was not my greatest fashion statement, but it was a statement, nonetheless. It became part of who I was. And for a shy teenager, having the freedom to change my appearance the way I wanted (at a time when I had so little freedom to change anything about my life) meant everything. It gave me more confidence. Before dyeing my hair, I had been mostly invisible and ignored for the previous two years at my new high school. After, I got attention (some of it negative, of course) and friends. 

Dyeing my hair, strange as it might sound, changed my life. I think it has changed a lot of women's lives.

Over 10 years later, I still dye my hair. The garish black is long gone, a faded memory, replaced by a dark red (similar to the girl's color in the article) that fades to a natural-looking reddish brown after several weeks. Fortunately, I still have the freedom to wear my hair as I wish. (My employer has no law against this, and I wouldn't violate it if there was.)

The violation of freedom of expression truly troubles me, though. I posted this article on my Facebook page and received not one comment of outrage over this school's policy (not even a WTH? or WTF?), which causes me to wonder if anyone else is concerned about a threat to this freedom. 

Do we care only if it affects us or someone we personally know? My Facebook news feed is clogged daily with pro-gun and anti-gun posts to the point that I'm considering blocking certain "friends" from my news feed. It's an important issue, I agree, but not the most important to me. 

I wholeheartedly believe that schools need dress codes, especially for students who show too much skin or wear clothes with offensive messages. 

But we can't allow students to lose their freedom of expression. What other freedom do teenagers have?

Selfishness

Selfish: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself ; seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others (Merriam-Webster dictionary)

Self-love: regard for one's own happiness or advantage (Merriam-Webster dictionary)

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I've spent a lot of time reflecting on the idea of selfishness as I've walked down the path of healing and wellness. In the past, I've felt guilty for doing things for myself. I've bought clothes, for example, that I wanted but didn't need. I've occasionally pampered myself by getting my hair professionally cut, colored, and styled, and felt frivolous for doing so. 

But where do I draw the line?

It's not wrong to do kind things for myself. It's not vanity to want to look (and be) my best. After all, I have a responsibility to my employer to dress nicely and maintain a clean, professional appearance. But I also want to look nice for myself.

Following years of bullying (and subsequent self-loathing), I've learned that my opinion of myself is far more important than anyone else's. The better I look, the better I feel. And the more I nurture myself, the more I realize that I'm worth that time and effort. 

Somewhere along the way, I learned that it was selfish to do anything for myself. I should focus entirely on others and forget about myself. (I could blame Christianity and its leaders for indoctrinating that belief into me, but that's a different post for a different time...)

But self-love is not selfishness. I have a responsibility to care of myself. If I don't, who will? 

Selfishness, to me, is taking more than you give. It's ignoring others' needs when those needs are your responsibility. It is NOT selfish to take care of your own needs and maintain your own emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental health. Selfishness is expecting others to care for my needs instead of taking care of my own. 

I need to end the guilt trip that inevitably starts when I do something loving (but unnecessary) for myself. It's okay to to spend my money on non-essential purchases. It's okay to pamper myself (and occasionally others, but for the right reasons). 

It's okay to love myself. In fact, it's necessary.

Quality, Not Quantity

Quality, not quantity.

That's what's necessary for a fulfilling life...and a successful creative pursuit. 

I need to make quality time to produce quality writing. 

I recently watched a fascinating PBS documentary on the life of Harper Lee, author of the incredible To Kill a Mockingbird. She has published only this Pulitzer Prize-winning novel, a masterpiece that changed the literary world with its indelible statement on racism. One of the greatest novels-and films-of all time. She made time to produce it, taking a leave of absence from her job to focus entirely on writing. And then her life was forever changed, though she has apparently tried to resume a normal life, continuously shunning fame and recognition.

So, why hasn't she written any other novels? Too much pressure? Has she been creatively blocked? Perhaps she only had this one book in her...but what a book! 

That's a great example to follow. 

So many popular writers (Danielle Steel, Jackie Collins, Nicholas Sparks, I'm thinking of you) churn out book after book, seemingly on autopilot, often forsaking quality for quantity, to meet the requirements of a contract and the demands of the public. All to meet society's constant demand: What have you done for me lately? 

The worth of so many famous artists is judged based on their latest output. Take a break, and your audience will often abandon you, moving on to the latest similar artist. Perhaps that's one of the pitfalls of fame. (I wouldn't know.) Quality is expected, but quantity (always more, more, more) is demanded, often at quality's expense. Some artists may have only a few good paintings, stories, photographs, films, or performances. Does that make them lesser artists than ones who constantly produce less-than-great results? 

The important thing for any artist is to follow your own path, not allowing competition or comparisons to change your course. The quickest way to tear yourself down is to compare yourself to someone who seemingly is more and has more.

You're not that person. 

You're not meant to be that person.

You're you.

You're meant to be you.

Boundaries

Hypothetical situation (okay, not really, but let's go with it...): You're a private person who orders an item online and comes home a week later to find the boxed item propped against your apartment door. A few days later, someone in your life mentions the package and inquires as to what was inside the aforementioned shipment. 

Being a private person (who also respects the privacy of those around you), you politely decline to answer. The other person is upset with you, visibly miffed by your decision not to respond. You feel bad, but you also feel irritated. First of all, how did this person (who does not live with you) not only know that you had a package on your doorstep but also know the name of the company that shipped it?

You feel stalked. 

You feel annoyed at having your cherished privacy threatened. 

You feel like it's no one else's damn business what you order with your own money and receive on your own doorstep. 

But...you also feel bad for apparently hurting this person's feelings by not violating your own privacy. 

Are you a horrible person? Are you selfish for setting boundaries and refusing to eradicate them? I don't think so. 

Setting boundaries becomes easier, a more natural response, over time. But the flak provoked by setting those boundaries is difficult to receive. It makes the hypothetical person (aka me) feel even more isolated from others.

 Sure, I need to set boundaries to protect my emotional well-being. But, let's face it, the short-term consequences (the hurt feelings of affronted individuals you love) really suck.

What's Really Beneath the Surface

For the past few months I've been following the Jodi Arias trial, reading everything I can find on the case and trial without actually watching the live TV coverage and post-trial recaps (not yet, anyway). I'm not sure why this case has captured my attention to such a degree, though I'm far from alone in my morbid fascination. 

(Here's an article summarizing the murder and the events leading up to and following it: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/29/jodi-arias_n_1174274.html?ref=crime&icid=maing-grid10|htmlws-main-bb|dl1|sec1_lnk3%26pLid%3D123800)

Perhaps I can relate to parts of it. I've experienced a few painful breakups and, like most people, I've struggled to let go of an ex and felt jealousy and the sting of rejection. Who hasn't? But the part that eludes me, that I can't begin to understand, is why Arias chose to kill Travis Alexander. (Does anyone really believe this was self-defense against a supposedly-abusive ex...who lived hours away from her? And have defense attorneys really used the term "domestic violence" in an attempt to justify the murder?)

I've been hurt, rejected, broken up with, done wrong, and humiliated more than once. I understand that much. But I can honestly say that I've never, ever had the urge to viciously stab and slash the throat of an ex the way Arias killed Alexander. Who does? What compels someone to do that?

The psychological aspects of this case are thrilling. 

Both the killer and the victim seemed, on the surface, like very normal, healthy, moderately-successful individuals leading very troubled, secretive lives full of contradictions. The victim was, to most people, a devout virginal Mormon with a "dirty little secret" (the relationship with Arias that didn't actually end after their breakup). The defendant, Arias, meanwhile, has presented herself as a sweet, innocent, soft-spoken young woman who wouldn't hurt a proverbial fly. But even her defense team chose not to use her original story (or second...I've lost track of her lies) to the police that she and Alexander were attacked by masked intruders from whom she escaped. They are admitting her guilt and instead tearing Alexander's character to shreds, painting him as an abusive, controlling, heartless, two-timing bastard (in a nutshell).

The victim was clearly far from perfect, but even if he was all of those things, why didn't Arias stay away from him? They lived hours apart from each other. Their official relationship, for all intents and purposes, had ended, but the toxicity and dysfunction continued. Alexander had attempted to move on by dating other women (but continued seeing Arias), which apparently compelled Arias to slash his tires (twice!), hack into his social-media accounts, send anonymous threatening emails to a woman he dated, and, subsequently, murder him.

What is wrong with her? Is she a sociopath? Is she mentally ill? Is she a normal, healthy woman whose jealousy and obsession caused her to violently snap? What is her background? Does anyone truly know who she is and why she did what she did? Does she know?

On the surface, it seems like your classic he-did-her-wrong-so-she-killed-him case, but this is more complicated, twisted, and mysterious than that description suggests. I think part of the fascination for me is that the defendant seemed to have everything going for her. She was young, attractive, intelligent, and seemed to have no problem getting male attention. So why obsess to the point of murder (and possible insanity) over one man who was totally wrong for her?

I hope this case will serve as a cautionary tale for both men and women. Do yourselves a favor by avoiding (or extricating yourselves from) toxic, dysfunctional relationships. Thankfully, most don't end this way...but some of them do.

Challenging Myself

One of my goals (goals sound sturdier and longer lasting than resolutions, wouldn't you agree?) for this year is to find new ways (both big and small) of challenging myself. 

Specifically, I want to improve my diet, cutting out unnecessary sugar (breaking my addiction) and consistently spending more (when necessary) on healthier food rather than paying less for junky processed food. After all, I can't put a price on my health.

I also want to amp up my workouts, not necessarily making them more difficult (I'm pretty sure Jillian Michaels is as tough as it gets), but trying new ways to move, like Pilates, yoga, dance and/or ballet, that will strengthen my weaknesses, which are namely flexibility, balance, and core strength. 

I want to prove to myself that I can do (nearly) anything I choose to do if I work hard and persevere in what I'm doing. I want to stop placing limits on myself and automatically saying "I can't do that" whenever something is difficult and uncomfortable. The more I do, the more I believe I can do. My self-confidence grows. And, as a nice bonus, there's a wonderful shot of adrenaline for trying and succeeding at something new. 

I have nothing to prove to anyone else. I don't need applause, attention, affirmation, or attention from anyone else (this blog notwithstanding) as long as I have my own. Self-confidence is powerfully liberating. It's no wonder I've always envied people who seem to float effortlessly through life because they believe in themselves and their abilities. That's what I want. I don't want life to be an unceasingly painful effort. I don't want to feel that each day is a burdensome task to cross off my endless to-do list. 

I want to awaken to the joy of life, to see each day as an adventure to be explored, and to discover all the beauty within. I want to become more open to life, more open-minded, more open to change, to love, to beauty, to peace, to renewal, and to God.