Selfishness

Selfish: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself ; seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others (Merriam-Webster dictionary)

Self-love: regard for one's own happiness or advantage (Merriam-Webster dictionary)

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I've spent a lot of time reflecting on the idea of selfishness as I've walked down the path of healing and wellness. In the past, I've felt guilty for doing things for myself. I've bought clothes, for example, that I wanted but didn't need. I've occasionally pampered myself by getting my hair professionally cut, colored, and styled, and felt frivolous for doing so. 

But where do I draw the line?

It's not wrong to do kind things for myself. It's not vanity to want to look (and be) my best. After all, I have a responsibility to my employer to dress nicely and maintain a clean, professional appearance. But I also want to look nice for myself.

Following years of bullying (and subsequent self-loathing), I've learned that my opinion of myself is far more important than anyone else's. The better I look, the better I feel. And the more I nurture myself, the more I realize that I'm worth that time and effort. 

Somewhere along the way, I learned that it was selfish to do anything for myself. I should focus entirely on others and forget about myself. (I could blame Christianity and its leaders for indoctrinating that belief into me, but that's a different post for a different time...)

But self-love is not selfishness. I have a responsibility to care of myself. If I don't, who will? 

Selfishness, to me, is taking more than you give. It's ignoring others' needs when those needs are your responsibility. It is NOT selfish to take care of your own needs and maintain your own emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental health. Selfishness is expecting others to care for my needs instead of taking care of my own. 

I need to end the guilt trip that inevitably starts when I do something loving (but unnecessary) for myself. It's okay to to spend my money on non-essential purchases. It's okay to pamper myself (and occasionally others, but for the right reasons). 

It's okay to love myself. In fact, it's necessary.