Mean Girls

Why are so many women hostile, critical, and judgmental towards other women? 

I know it's nothing new, but I've been pondering this thought a lot recently. And now that I've recognized it and started thinking about it, I see it over and over again. 

I saw it in the PBS documentary "Makers: Women Who Make America" that I wrote about a few weeks ago, as women who assumed traditional female roles criticized and questioned women who rejected traditional roles (and vice versa). 

I see it on celebrity gossip websites (one of my vices, I'll admit) as non-famous women post written attacks of the style choices, relationship woes, and career mishaps of famous women. 

I see it often in news stories of teenage girls who are viciously bullied online and at school by other teenage girls, some pushed to the point of suicide.

And I see it frequently in blogs and on Facebook and Twitter, commonly in the insidious form of "Mom Shaming" (there's a term for it!) or weight/appearance assaults on fitness websites. (Let's face it, the Internet makes anonymous bullying way too easy.)

Why do we do this? We know how difficult it is to be a woman in the world today. We know how unfair it is to be judged and labeled by others based on our physical appearance (weight, hair, clothing), educational and career achievements, job title and salary, love life, and family life. We don't like it when it happens to us...so why do we do it to other women? Do we lack the self-awareness or sensitivity we need to imagine how others who look different or have made other choices might feel? 

Part of what inspired this post are two recent examples of "Mom Shaming" and fitness-forum fighting ("Fat/Fit Shaming," perhaps?) that I stumbled upon. 

Famous-name businesswoman Ivanka Trump (Donald's daughter, of course) recently stated in a Redbook cover article that working 16-hour days "makes me a better mom when I'm home" with her two-year-old daughter. (http://www.redbookmag.com/fun-contests/celebrity/ivanka-trump-interview#slide-1) 

As you can imagine, the Internet peanut gallery of moms and non-moms alike erupted in outrage. Amidst a few supportive acknowledgements that not every woman is cut out to be a stay-at-home mom, the general consensus on one forum was that she should not have had a child if she had no intention of spending time with her. (The discussion then amped up in intensity when Ivanka's second pregnancy was announced this week.)

It's more of the same on fitness sites and forums. Maria Kang, a thirty-something fitness-model /mom of three young boys, posted a controversial publicity photo of herself on Facebook looking tight, toned, and very fit in a bikini next to her sons with the tagline "What's your excuse?" 

Well, other women were quick to respond with their often-snarky excuses for why they don't look like her, such as they don't have nannies, they don't have time to work out, they're not selfish and vain, the photo was airbrushed, etc. In essence, they're better moms (and, therefore, better human beings) than she is. 

I ask again: Why? Why can't we support and encourage other women whether we agree with their choices or not instead of cutting them down? Why can't we acknowledge that what works for another woman might not work for us, but that doesn't mean that woman is wrong. 

We can agree to disagree without resorting to shaming or bullying. After all, we're all adults, here...right?